Messy is a feeling that looks different on everyone, and new each time. I recently read a piece that had the headline; “Family, Relationship, Sleep, Job, Exercise; Pick Three” and it hit home. Hard.
I’ve been waking at 6am to work on writing goals, pitches, take classes on different aspects of blogging and social media, and write posts for this page. It’s been exciting! I wake without trouble, not tired by the ideas, and instead buzzing with whatever tasks I’ve written for myself.
I’ve taken the energy I had for Exercise and let it flow into this space I’m creating for a Job. And that worked for a bit. My newfound work, ambition, and schedule overshadowed the negative self thoughts that typically accompany a workout slump.
I’ve thought a lot recently about those of us who walk the line. Who are not depressed. Are capable of getting going when we need to, and don’t have a clinical diagnosis. But still struggle. Where the slumps can feel long, the feelings or clouds don’t lift, and the thoughts begin to grow into really cruel words. I hit that point and knew that it was time to shift things around again, and find a new way to be motivated.
I reached out to our Strong and Free, Women Supporting Women Facebook group for some advice… and left with a thought I chewed on all day after. The idea of taking stock of myself and deciding what Maintenance looks like for me. What do I need to put back into my day, or take out, to maintain my heart and brain better? While still going after these goals I feel the brain space, and motivation, for.
I thought about whether a full stop break from exercise would be best, to guiltlessly embrace the pounds and softness of the new job, full time homeschooling, and taking on a couple of new side projects. I sat in that idea for quite a while, until I remembered that has never worked for me. Walking the line of depression means that I need to know what saves me and what doesn’t. Trust that what works for some, may not work for me, in short; Know Myself. This also should come along with the caveat of, judge less. Judging someone for prioritizing their evening run, or afternoon workout just as we shouldn’t judge someone for saying “this is a less active season” and leaving that be. One size does not fit all. Walking the line is hard.
Exercise is my lifeline. I’m not great at it. I’m not fast. I won’t at all proclaim to be “super Fit!”. I can’t do many real pushups, I’ve never done a pull up, running feels like lead feet every time, and it’s just as tooth pulling to press play on a video for me in the evening as it is in the morning. But once I’m going, and my body is in motion, I feel different. I don’t feel bad about myself in any way. I feel like I am doing it. And so quickly, I feel the chemical change in me, endorphins! and I’m grinning through squat jacks and ending the workout feeling like a new person.
My Undone, messy, has taken so many paths. It’s looked like me crying to Charlie with a newborn in my arms, enorged, and wondering when I will ever sleep again. My messy has looked like me drinking too much, making regrettable decisions and waking up feeling sick and uneasy. Messy has been crying after reading too many Facebook posts, and wondering if I’ve made the right choices for my daughters. Messy before was always heartbreaking. Exhausted, overwhelmed. This Messy is different. My little family, and me, have grown up a bit.
My home is relatively kept, I feel zeal and excitement for Home-School, side projects, and all the hopes and dreams I have for writing. This is a messy, undone, and slightly overfull time in my life. I think it’s true that you can’t have it all, but for this little season, my messy is me trying. In brief moments, I do have it all.
I started a new workout program last night, it’s meant to be 21 days straight, but I plan to finish it at my leisure, not feeling awful when I put off a day. Grace is the factor that will change me. Grace is the evolutionary addition to my Messy. It will give me the space to have it all, but not quite perfectly.