I’ve written about sex a couple of times here before. Each time it feels important, awkward, clunky, and like I find my feet and words a bit more with each post. I want to share about sex positive experiences in long-term relationships, I want to put my heart out there to other people struggling with their bodies in sex. Their thoughts. How they talk about it with their partner(s), and how they think about sex themselves.

I know it’s not read everywhere, and it isn’t always comfortable. So I want to tread lightly. The questions I’ve wrestled with I’ve found answers to online, but only in hard to find corners of the internet… I had to really to hunt them down. But I want to write about sex like I write about my go-to recipes. Without shame, with knowledge, and with a whole lot of “and if that doesn’t work for you, try a different spice!”

HERE IS MY CAVEAT:  This is candid, honest, and about sex. Proceed only if you are comfortable. Tune back in for recipes, hikes, yoga, self-acceptance (outside of sex), and self-love posts again tomorrow. 

An enormous sub-topic of sex is self love. Obviously, self love comes with new meaning when we’re talking sex. And that’s not what I’m talking about (or, rather, not quite yet.)

I have heard from so many women (and cycle in and out of struggling with this too!) that a huge barrier in their sex life, or to enjoying it, is how they feel about themselves. Their self confidence, acceptance, love, and positivity feel hard in day to day life. And, 100x harder when they’re facing their partner, vulnerable and exposed. Having sex that is positive, enjoyable, and satisfying is made incredibly difficult if you are thinking self-consciously or negatively about your stomach/arms/breasts/whatever. For many women, a huge piece of sex is what is happening in their heads. If the script going through your brain is anything along the lines of “I’m gross. S/he thinks I look gross” it’s going to be incredibly hard to connect with your partner, and near impossible to orgasm (which is not always the goal, but definitely important).

I think that this whole issue is compounded immensely in a long-term relationship. It’s easy to fall into patterns and  ways around your feelings, and never confront these hard thoughts. I know many mamas who’ve told me their sex is always a light’s off/shirt on/no deep or real pleasure for her, kinda deal. And it isn’t because she’s broken, or because she’s with a jerk. It’s because that became the pattern, and living in that groove feels easier than having really vulnerable conversations that opened us up to hurt, deep truths we may not want to think about, and also lays us out there very raw to our partner. Add to that the pressure to make sure “your man is satisfied” and you have a heartbreaking recipe for not only dissatisfying sex, but also a relationship dynamic that doesn’t promote sex being a way to grow closer, more in love, more vulnerable, and more connected. AND THEN add on the awful sex advice EVERY woman has heard in her life. . .

“oh, honey, fake it till you make it! The more you have it, the more you’ll want it. Probably.”

While the merits of this working are ho-hum 50/50 at best, the power and relationship dynamic that this sets up (one person’s desire drives the ship, consent is considered a ‘hopeful eventual’ ?!) is really detrimental to you if your goals for your partnership are mutual satisfaction, arousal, excitement, enthusiastic consent, and growing more in your selves and with each other. That advice undermines that. But? It’s given, often, in many ways, and as an only answer. So instead, I want to offer a different path. Some advice that is, hopefully, aligned with consent, and also acknowledging that sex should be about ALL the people involved in the relationship. And sometimes that means breaking into those uncomfortable spaces and shaking up old routines.

3 Steps to Take Today:

First, is spending some time with your body. Normalizing your body to yourself. To your hands. This doesn’t need to mean masturbation (it also doesn’t need to not mean that). This can mean taking a long shower, feeling every part of yourself, and spending time in the comfort AND the discomfort that that can bring. I also often use Yoga for this reconnection. Sometimes a shower, or that kind of quite concentrated space with myself is too overwhelming. But using yoga, and feeling how my body moves, can be a good gateway into more comfort with my body. Spending time actually seeing/feeling and soaking in the ways that your body hangs, jiggles, and changes with movement is important. I liken it to the same reason I fill my social media feed with bodies that normalize stretch marks, movement, larger bodies.

Normalizing my OWN body to MYSELF is just as important (actually, way more important!) as normalizing bodies like mine. Coming to term, and eventually loving and embracing this body, is paramount to enjoying it during sex and not feeling distracted by how your body looks. The less you are thinking about how it looks, the more you can feel how your body feels.

This won’t change you overnight. But it will begin to open doors for your heart and brain. When I am feeling especially hateful to myself, or cruel, I try to really flip the script with neutralizing phrase swaps.  Some of the swaps I use:

“My body is not a shock to my partner.”

“My body is strong and capable.”

“My body can feel pleasure.”

Secondly, talk to your partner about this. Not in the bedroom. Tell them what makes you feel the most insecure. What positions ignite those feelings for you? What words or phrases? And then (fun part!) brainstorm together the ways that you can change this. What are somethings you could try.  What positions are you curious about, how can you make them work for you and for what you are wanting to grow out of. Don’t hesitate to have this conversation. Its importance cannot be undersold. You cannot expect your partner to know that you are uncomfortable if you are working hard to “fake it” or aren’t feeling comfortable with stopping them in the moment. Also, remember, your partner wants you to feel good (or, rather, they should!) and wants you to feel confident. These conversations, where you are vulnerable and honest about your fears, and needs, will be taking steps forward.

When I asked for advice about this post on IG, I got a really important and thought provoking  message. It was a woman, asking for advice how to talk during sex/pillow talk that doesn’t rely on scripts heard from porn. That are inventive, loving, positive, and not heavy with pornography steeped language. This falls deeply into the context of this advice. This is the space to tell your partner, what words do you like, what word(s) do you want your partner to use for your genitals, and other body parts, do you want to talk/have them talk, what words make you feel gross or strange, what lines of thought make you feel inadequate or not like yourself? {I’ll be sharing more about this, and more candid and tangible strategies soon!}

Third, and finally, spend some time writing down what words your partner says to you that you don’t believe. Or, the thoughts you want to embody, but don’t feel the right to.  This might be “you’re beautiful” or “you’re sexy” or “I love when you _____.” Often times our partner drips these compliments, especially during sex and they can shake you out of your comfort zone and make you stop and not believe them/refute them, ect. Take some space and time to really feel these. And then write down how you DO or CAN believe them. If your partner often says “you’re sexy” create a little list of ways you can, or sometimes do, or you want to (and can with your current body) feel sexy.  Don’t feel bad if this takes you a long time, a few tries, or you need to come back to it.

All of this advice is long-game related. It’s what will hopefully give you big shifts in your sex life eventually, it won’t be immediate (or, maybe you’re magic and it will!) and doesn’t need to be. It will give you small steps towards a more pleasurable, deeper, and vulnerable love and connection.