I’ve felt wonky in my body lately. Like something is missing. It was confusing. I am heavier than usual, but feel lighter. Clothes are being donated left and right, and images I never thought I’d post are going up without a care. Something is happening in my body, and instead of eating it away, something miraculous is happing.
At the beginning I fell in deeper into the very holes that I now have filled in with empathy, roots, love, and a lot of reality checking. I took the bad habits I had (allowing others words to penetrate more deeply than they should, losing myself in Yoga hashtags that show the same long/lean bodies again and again) and allowed them to get pruned violently out. And it hurt. And felt amazing. All too quickly. All in one breath.
I’ve grown unexpectedly this past month. Outgrown friendships, outfits, behaviors, and most noticeably; Shame.
Contrary to popular imaging and belief, my thick thighs, expanding waist, and marked up body, is capable of flight.
I’ve worked on my inversions for a solid two years now. And over the past year it’s been a bit of a stall, fall, start over pattern. But this past month? I’ve grown, and my core and strength has intensified right there with it. And headstand? feels stronger than ever.
At first I doubted this. How could I have an easier time floating up when I’m floating a pant size more up into the ether. But I realized? My shame… it was HEAVY. Far heavier than my thighs. Far heavier than weight gain. Shame was the heaviest part of my body. It kept me from allowing myself to float and hold. Hang out. Play even.
It reminded me that bigger girls can’t do this. That my back fat would be distracting. That there was NO WAY my arms could hold all this up.
But as I’ve pruned away the things that I don’t need (hi new Moon, you’re helping me in a really bloomy ways) my body feels stronger than ever.
THINGS I’VE LOST:
- What a “workout” has to look like
- Much in the way of Schedule for exercise
- Food Restrictions
- Scrolling IG habits
THINGS I HAVE NOT LOST:
There will be hiccups. There will be times I desperately claw the dirt out of the very deep holes of doubt and shame that I’ve worked hard to fill. But they’ll be more shallow. The relapses are shorter and shorter. And the float faster, longer, stronger, and growing.
I allow myself to be malleable. Change, and grace are my practice.
I recently took a Root Chakra yoga class, the mantra was I Am and that hit me in the gut like a ton of bricks.
I am ever evolving.
I am allowed to be wrong.
I am going to make mistakes.
I am kind.
I am brave.
I am forgiving.
I am forgivable.
I am always adding to this list. . .